FUBAR
Or, A Man of Variation.
“If it calls you, it's your calling,
right? Once I asked a broker what he loved
about his job, and he said Making a killing.
Once I asked a serial killer what made him
get up in the morning, and he said The people.”
-Sandra Beasley1
An acquaintance once told me a story about hanging out in a friends' house in Germany that was being remodeled. He and said friend are sitting around after a heavy night, smoking heavily, but not drinking anything other than coffee. At about noon one of the construction workers sits down, and asks if he can join them for lunch. Pulls out a bottle of vodka and pours himself a glass, then another, then another. Then the baggies come out and he asks anyone if they want a sniff of speed. They're sitting there in shock, say no. He asks them how they feel about cocaine. Still a polite, but firm no. Ketamine? Also, no. Ok. Then he gets out a half-a-foot line of speed and does it in a go. Has another drink. Goes back to work. On the way out, they ask the guy (who's maybe forty something) if this is something he does everyday. 'No,' he says, 'I'm a man of variation.'
Which is more inexpressible, the beautiful or the terrifying?2 I spend more time thinking about this than perhaps I should. Like everything else, it’s a question of taste. Some of my favorite paintings, my favorite poems, novels, movies, really my favorite things are created on the cusp of this question. The first time I saw The Ghost of A Flea3 at the Tate, I fell in love, in fact, I almost swooned in front of it. It is a very dark painting, it is like staring into the universe, and the idea, the genesis of it, like much of Blake’s work, is terrifying. He imagined if a flea were the size and rough shape of a man, and then one evening, he saw him as he walked into his house. Many of Blake’s paintings came about this way, in what seem to have been complete hallucinations, that talked.
Variation, contrast, what is the point? Humans are pattern seeking animals. But what kind of patterns? Some people crave mundanity and repetition, others need a contrast so savage that it upends your thinking, your sense of self in the universe.
another mint tea morning
watching the cars
scurry around like
scarabs
such unwieldy animals
like people
the mountains the plains
the cupolas
the shots of cherry liquor
rinse wash repeat
there’s a river
a high-low attitude
it’s a great place
for business
opportunities
O windy city
of my dreams
take me back
to my homeland
the one I’ve never been to.